It's been a tough week, baby for our lead character, Matt
His wife just left him, the final straw this time
Was his aggressive addiction to defending Ricky Gervais online
Baby, now his tenants moved out; he's been shirking responsibilities
And now he's on his knees,
Selling his tickets to see Fun he bought for his son in London
(Distant son, whom he promised he'd leave the flat to
And that's a promise he regretfully made high on cocaine at his own mum's funeral)
But the stars align for me tonight, bitches
I've got a flat, I'm gonna stay in that
At least that's not in her dad's name
No, that's in my own fuckin' name, yeah!
It's all coming up for Matt
Landing on my feet just like a dog
I'll find a girl who likes my BMW
Enough to let me touch her fanny and her boobs
And maybe borrow £13.6k for a deposit too
But as Matt settled into the flat for the night, things wurny quite right, he kept getting wee frights, in fact, a couple even made him dae a wee shite.
Matt was in the shower and it suddenly ran cold
It's only him in here tonight it must be a poltergeist (oh no, he just did a wee shite)
He rests his weary head but there's a rapping at the window and a scraping from below
There's a scream from the next room
He shites and then concludes
All the torment through the night's been the result of his ineptitude
The boiler was last serviced in 03, bitches
The single glazed window broke the year before
The mouse droppings all over the floor explain the hellish scraping from bellow, yeah!
(chorus)
Then Matt found a title deed underneath a shoogley table
Signed Reginald Personal, it read:
'I did not respect the previous owner's wishes then
He swore if anyone bought-to-let a curse would be placed on them'
Then Matt's blood ran cold; he'd explained everything but the scream
Personal Reggie appeared and spoke agleam:
"Matt, your body's in a hearse, welcome to this curse
You're now part of the extended conjuring universe"
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